Caring for Aging Parents Without Losing Yourself

What if the most loving thing you can say to an aging parent isn’t “I’ll take over”—but “Let’s decide together”?

In this episode, we navigate the emotional and medical realities of elder care with compassion and clarity. Whether you're managing hospital visits, struggling with sibling dynamics, or just trying to understand the early signs of cognitive decline, this conversation offers practical tools and real support.

What you’ll learn in this episode:

• Early signs to watch that signal deeper health issues beyond aging
• How to stay calm and advocate when diagnoses don’t align with symptoms
• Communication scripts that support autonomy and reduce family tension
• Clear breakdowns of dementia types—Alzheimer’s, Lewy Body, vascular, and more
• Why denial happens in families and how to respond effectively
• The first medical call to make when behavior suddenly changes
• Self-care for caregivers—simple daily practices that restore your body and mind
• Where to find support so you never feel like you’re carrying this alone

Perfect for caregivers, adult children, and anyone balancing compassion with tough medical realities.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome Back & Show Purpose
• 1:04 Life In The Sandwich Generation
• 3:45 Spotting Concerning Changes In Elders
• 6:18 Advocating In Hospitals Without Losing Power
• 10:48 Denial, Fear, And Family Dynamics
• 13:20 Safety, Limits, And Accepting Aging Bodies
• 17:16 Partnership With Doctors, Not Blind Trust
• 21:00 Saying No To Misaligned Treatments
• 24:35 Crisis Poise: Breathe, Slow, Observe
• 27:40 Build Self Care Before Emergencies
• 31:04 Fitness For Caregivers’ Real Demands
• 34:00 Stroke Recovery Lessons And Risks
• 37:08 Dementia Types, Signals, Sundowning
• 41:20 Infection Checks Before Escalation
• 44:20 Protecting Dignity While Setting Limits
• 48:08 Letting Go Of Ego And Control
• 52:35 Define Your Caregiver Role & Supports
• 55:00 Community, Memberships, And Resources
• 57:40 Healthy Aging: Habits And Mindset
• 58:56 Closing Reflections & Listener Invite

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:01

Welcome to Healers Talk Healing, the podcast where we gather to explore the art and science of holistic healing, uncovering the secrets to a happier, healthier you. I'm your host, Nina Gangoli, and together we will delve into the intriguing world of holistic healing, delving into the mind-body connection, ancient wisdom, and natural remedies. Get ready for enlightening stories, thought-provoking expert interviews, and practical tips that will empower you to unlock your true potential and embrace a vibrant, balanced life. Whether you're an experienced wellness enthusiast or simply curious about the power of healing, join us on this exhilarating journey as we share the wisdom and insights that can truly transform your life. It's time to embark on a voyage towards a happier, healthier you. So, without further ado, let's dive into the captivating world of Healers Talk Healing. Okay, my goodness, my goodness, my goodness. It has been a minute since we have been together for our wonderful podcast, Healers Talk Healing, because we have been dealing with life. Life has been lifing. And so, you know, we we figured, hey, why not talk about the things that are lifing in our lives? Both Lynn and I um, you know, take care of our elderly parents. And in this age of us being in that sandwich generation where we have kids and children that are adult children that we're helping manage and traverse through life. And then we have our elderlies that are also, you know, traversing through life. We want to just come back and let's talk, have a conversation about this because it's not just Lynn and I amongst millions of people that are really dealing with this. There's so many, right? Like so many of us, like we're not the only ones. I I just was in a book club and I was talking to my girlfriends at the book club, and all of our parents are all we're all managing something, either taking them to appointments or helping them understand what's going on in their appointments. And so it's it's just due time, I think, for us to kind of get back on track, come together and have this important conversation because yes, we are healers and we talk about the different healing arts, but there's also life. There's life and there's that we need to understand in helping our parents kind of go through this process there as they're aging and kind of also healing parts of them that you know, you know, Lynn, that maybe they've never, you know, they've also not gone through these things as well, right?

SPEAKER_00: 2:53

That's true, that's true. The entire medical field and industry in terms of dealing with elderly seniors and what's needed for their healing is very different from what it used to be. And thank you for that, Nina. It's true. Both of us have been very engaged with our senior and elder family members who have had challenges in terms of their health and what's been needed for them. Uh, and it can be a very daunting task in the beginning. You know, when I first learned that my mom uh had a stroke, it was a moderate stroke, but still at 96, that's pretty significant. Uh, it can be a little bit scary. It was scary for her, it was scary for me. Uh, it was um off-putting because the challenges she was dealing with from being a very viable, you know, walk a mile every day, go up and down the stairs all the time, cooking for many people at the church, for what could be sometimes up to 100 people. Uh, she was going to club meetings and neighborhood association meetings, social activities and events, and she went from that at the age of 96 to all of a sudden she didn't walk very well. She was tired. My mom never took naps. She didn't believe in naps. She thought naps are a waste of time. That's her belief, not mine. I will say, listen, I will say this having a little nap every day, if that's what you need, is important for self-care. Now, for her, self-care meant going, going, going, going, energizer bunny all day, all night. Well, why are you guys so tired? That was my mom. When she had that stroke, it's like my niece who uh is living with her, said, you know, Grammy's taking naps. I'm like, what? She's what? And the whole family was like, What? Something's wrong. Does she seem okay? Well, she seems a little slower and more tired than usual, but you know, she's taking naps. Our minds went straight to, well, it's probably because of a procedure she had a few weeks prior where they had to give her general anesthesia, so maybe she's just a little more tired. She is 96. Our brains come up with all sorts of things. But when you see that there is someone in your life who has had any kind of uh dramatic change in any way, it can be the gait of their walk, it can be taking a nap when they never do, it can be speaking a little bit more slowly. I mean, sometimes it can be subtle or it can be something that's really, really more significant. Immediately make sure that you get them to where they need to be for uh help as soon as possible. Usually when there's something very dramatic that happens, I always uh think, even though yes, we are a whole listing and wellness uh business, but emergency rooms are good. Emergency rooms can help determine if something's broken, if there are uh masses that are growing, if there they have equipment, you know, the MRIs, the CAT scans, and things like that, that are needed to see what's going on. And then from there you can make decisions based on having informed facts as far as what's happened, what's taking place, and what's possible. Okay, so the first thing that that I did was take her to uh emergency, and they said, Oh, well, you know, she's just dehydrated, she just needs a little more something. Um, but her vitals are good, her circulation's good, all of this is good, and so I was like, okay, they did a CAT scan. I said, Are you sure she didn't have a stroke? No, she didn't have a stroke. I'm like, okay. Two days later, she's in she's so agitated, her body can't keep still, she's in severe pain. They're like, Well, give her morphine because she's in severe pain. But other than that, she should be okay. Two days later, I'm looking at her, her mouth is drooping, she her speech is off, she's sleeping like in a way that you can hardly wake her up. I'm like, that's it, I'm taking her. And I told the doctor, and don't be afraid, this is also part of you know, the care, don't be afraid to say to the doctor, which I did, because they were going to release her again. They did another CAT scan. No, it's not a stroke, every all her vitals, everything seems to be fine. I said, you know what, that's wonderful. I'm walking out of this hospital, I'm not taking her with me. I don't care, you know, what you guys need to do, but she's not coming home with me or anybody else. And that's when the doctor said, Well, I think we'll keep her here and do a full workup. That's a great idea, Doc. Wonderful. Yeah, we'll just keep her overnight, we'll observe, we'll we'll monitor her. Wow, that's great. Thank you so much. So I wanted to just kind of share because I think a lot of times we give up so much of our power to the medical professionals to the extent that they are practicing doctors and nurses and technicians and so forth, they don't have all the answers all the time. Even though we want them to have the answers, they don't always have those answers, right?

SPEAKER_01: 9:32

Right.

SPEAKER_02: 9:33

It's so it's interesting that you say that because I think we've I've also kind of experienced the opposite where, you know, I've taken, you know, had to take my my eld, my mother-in-law to the hospital, and then having those around you not actually believing what they're being told, or you know, trying to figure out a well, kind of convince themselves that they don't need to be there, or it's not that bad and that detrimental. And then, you know, having to be the one who's, I feel like standing in the truth of what's going on, dealing with the people around you who are not. I don't think it's a comprehension, it's just I don't believe this is happening.

SPEAKER_00: 10:17

Yes, it's the uh denial syndrome. I don't believe it's happening because I don't want it to happen. Yeah, this is just a really bad flu. This isn't, you know, my kidneys are shutting down. I had a heart attack, I had a stroke. Oh, I have some kind of autoimmune disease that's eating away at my muscles, or whatever the case might be. No, no, no, no, no. It's none of that. No, I I'm I've always been good. No, I'm just a little tired.

SPEAKER_02: 10:55

I think at some level, many of us, depending on what age we're at, uh, where like kind of where we're at, we can it's not even denial, it's like, wait a minute, is that actually a possibility? Trying to see a new reality. Like just the other day, my mom fell in the parking lot of her condo building. And so, you know, I was like, Why were you out? Like, she was out there for two hours. She was helping out, she's on the board of directors, and she was helping out. And the more she thought about it, she's like, I didn't trip, I just my body just gave out. And I said, Your body just gave out. She goes, Yeah, I was out there for two hours. I said, two hours, it was it was rainy, it was cold, and my mom just turned 75. So her body doesn't work the same way, and then I'm thinking, mom, first of all, there's a whole bunch of younger people on the board. Why are you out there for two and a half hours? And I think that's the thing. It's like, oh, it's kind of like, oh, I forgot, you know, that I like my body needs to be different. And you know, her, there's her at 75 thinking, oh, this is the way my body has worked in the past, so it should be okay. And then there's me maybe overcompensating and trying to baby your and like, no, don't do those things, you know. You need to let the other people who are stronger than you, or you know, not being concerned about like that can take care of or not take care of assist. Yes, be you know, just kind of be in be doing the the hard work, the harder stuff, the harder physical things. So, you know, I sometimes I contemplate, you know, even me, I'm not 75, I'm 56, and there's still things I can't do that I did when I was 20. And uh my daughter reminds me all the time, mom, you're not 20 anymore.

SPEAKER_00: 12:52

Really? Oh well, I'll take that. Yes, well, it's true, it's true. Because when people are independent, like your mom and and my mom, there is so much of the well, everything with me is fine, and the brain says, Yes, I can do this, I've been doing this for years, I know how to do this, it's not a thing, until it's the combination of something like carrying certain things, or even stepping down on a step with heels on that are just really that half an inch too high, and the nerves in your buttocks that's also part of the sciatica, doesn't have to necessarily hurt, but it will give that knee out, it will force your knee to go out at any moment, and boom, you're on the floor. And you didn't even you, it's like, how did that happen? And so it is important to pay attention to those things and also to make sure, yes, you have to do all of the things necessary to take care of yourself, you know, the exercising, the diet, the and when I say diet, I don't mean being on a diet, which is not a bad thing if that's what you need to do, but it's what you're eating, how you're eating consistently, and it's just paying attention to how do I feel about myself, how do I feel about the world? When do I need to just stop and go? You know what? I think I need to take a full day to just vegetate. There is nothing wrong with doing nothing.

SPEAKER_02: 14:44

But our parents though come from this this this you know, this generation of you don't sit and relax. It's like you're doing something all the time. And my mom, you know, I would say actually it's her saving grace that she is busy both cognitively and physically, but then there's also that moment where you know, finding that happy medium, that balance, like you said, like your mom was nap, nap is for the week, you know. Right, right. You you need to take those times, and sometimes I have to do the same thing and remind my mom, mom, you know, your body is not the same that it was. And even I have to remember, I have to remember, especially, you know, when our parents are independent and they live on their own and they're managing their own groceries and paying their own bills and doing all of these things, then you sometimes can forget that. Oh, wait a minute, you know, when that like as it when she fell, oh, wait a minute, I have to be conscious. Do you should I get her one of those like alarmy things, you know, that they put it?

SPEAKER_00: 15:48

Oh, right, yes, the alert, life alert, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02: 15:51

Life alerts or what uh whatever they might be called, but there is that can concern because it hasn't had to be a concern, right? It's all it does. Check in on your mom. Like, yes, she's been fine, but check in on mom, make sure she's okay. You know, we've had this very wonderful balance of like, you know, I call I check on her once or twice a week, but maybe it's time to check on her every day. I mean, my secret check every day is like to check if she was on WhatsApp because I can see what she was on there last. And I'm like, okay, she's still good. I see that she was on there a couple of hours ago.

SPEAKER_00: 16:30

I love my mom, you know, talking to her every day sometimes can be a little tactical for let's face it, for many, for many children at any age, talking to your parent constantly uh can be a bit of a challenge. And remember that for those of you that are the sandwich generation, when your kids don't necessarily want to talk to you either. So it's all, you know, the same vein. It's it's and it doesn't matter uh uh what type of person you each are or or what the backgrounds are or what you're thinking or what have you. I I think it's just the case of experience versus uh some experience versus a lifetime of experience that makes some of the differences uh in terms of us talking to one another. But when it comes to caring for your elder, I use the word elder because I guess I'm considered a senior, but I don't consider myself a senior. So when I say the word senior, people will go, well, what are you? I'm like, nope. Elder, okay, which by defin by my definition is someone who is 92 and older. Okay. Many of my family members live to be well over 100, so that then becomes an elder around 92. And um when you're when you're considering what needs to happen, the first thing, of course, is what is their baseline now? Where are they? First, first identifying what happened, and then determining with the medical team what is their baseline. And by the way, as a side note, I really want, I really cannot stress enough how you don't want to give your power up to the medical team and everything they say. You are in partnership with them. They ask you lots of questions so they can get to the bottom of what's going on. You ask them lots of questions so you can get to the bottom of what they're thinking and what the possibilities are. We now have wonderful, wonderful technology so that you can research a lot of things. I wouldn't talk to the doctor from the place of, oh, well, I read this and I heard that, and I done so what about this? You know, you don't want to go in like that, but you want to inform yourself as much as possible. You want to inform the person who it's affecting to the extent they can understand, and then you want to formulate your questions in an appropriate manner to the medical uh team. And that way, together, you're you're you're you're moving together. So when so when the doctor says, well, I suggest that we do this procedure, that procedure, take this medication, so on and so forth, you're informed enough that, and your loved ones informed enough that there can be a decision as to yes to this and no to that. When my father was went into the hospital, he couldn't move the lower part of his body because he did have a very, very rare auto dimune uh autoimmune disease that was called polymyocetis, and that's where the muscles feed on themselves and they start breaking down. And so he wasn't able to walk or really move much from the waist down, and when he went to the hospital, it started to go into his arms, hands, it was uh progressing very rapidly. Well, they wanted to give him chemo because they couldn't figure out what the problem was, and I said, absolutely not. Why did I say that? Because although there are hundreds literally of different chemotherapies for different types of not only cancer but other conditions, I knew that with my dad's muscles breaking down the way that they were and shutting down to the point where he was almost paralyzed, chemotherapy, which they would have done, what's considered more of a broadband type of medication, would have compromised his immune system so much more that it would not have corrected a problem that was muscular that had nothing to do with cancer or anything else. So I said no. Um, this is what I mean by you're in partner with them, and believe you me, they technically will not, cannot do whatever they want to do without permission from the patient or the person who is overseeing or assisting and supporting the patient. Because if they do and something goes horribly wrong, then something can happen, you know, something's happened to your loved one, which you don't want to have happen, and the money that the hospital or doctor had now becomes yours, and they want to avoid that, and so do you. So you definitely um want to make sure you are in partnership and tell them. I tell every single doctor, dentist, anesthesiologist, I don't care who it is, we are in partnership here. This isn't a you make a decision and I'm gonna say yes, or you know, whatever the case may be. We will have a discussion. I'll make sure that you understand where I am, I'll make sure that you that that um I understand where you are, and that we can come to a consensus that makes the most sense. So that's one way to provide a level of care that I think many people don't think about, and especially in those times when you're kind of panicked. I don't know, well, this this just happened, and they're foaming at the mouth, and now they're bleeding, and you know, what's going on? And and so that's often when we give up so much of our power rather than taking a breath, those are the moments all right. I hear what the doctor's saying. Envision yourself in those immediate moments like you are stepping back in slow motion, slow motion, breathing, so that you can remove yourself from whatever's being said and all the action that's happening, and now you can observe it. You're hearing it differently, you're seeing it differently, you're perceiving it differently, and now you can have that conversation, and then you can move into you know partnering.

SPEAKER_02: 24:08

Well, here's a couple questions I have because I I always think you are definitely a horse of a different color when it comes to the way you manage all of your elderlies. So, you know, many of us, this might be not, this might be the first time, it might be, you know, it's yeah, really the first time that we're dealing with this, because most people don't know, uh Lynn, that you know, you've actually been uh helping seniors, your elders, sorry, for some time over the last 15 or so years. Where for me, this is like a new spectrum. And I think when I was listening to you, especially about, you know, taking a deep breath and walking away, I think, wouldn't you say that it would be beneficial to sort of have this important self-care practice already set for yourself so that in the moment, you know, like in the moment when that's coming to you, this is not, oh my gosh, I don't know what tool to use. Um, you know, and and do what you do, and then just you know, manage through that, because this is going to impact you as well. You're you're you're being impacted, but you are also being impacted as a caregiver, as someone who's the support person. Um so I like that you said about like, you know, take that deep breath, but I think we need to go even like one step further and say that if you're hearing this now before, you know, this is going to be maybe your experience, that you then you know start to create these practices for yourself, you know, so that when the time comes, you feel a little more grounded. Because also many of us don't even know how we operate in a crisis, you know, there's fight or flight or freeze. For instance, I know, I know, I know my father-in-law is a freeze. There's no flight, there's no fight. He's just frozen and waiting to like be told what to do. And for me, I'm like uh I'm like uh a fight person, more like, okay, the whole world shuts off, and I'm just focused on what what needs to get done. I'll deal with all of the emotions, all of that stuff afterwards. But right now, let's focus to see what needs to get done, let's stay in reality, let's stay focused, let's not allow our emotions to get in the way so that we can hear what's being said and you know take the right steps in the moment. And I think that's important, you know, for people to know how do you deal in crisis? What does your body do? What does your brain do? How are you dealing with these situations so that you're prepared as much as you can be?

SPEAKER_00: 26:47

Yeah, well, it is you're absolutely right, Nina. The real key is being able to start your self-care regimen so that you're prepared for those things in life. We're talking about uh caregiving, but it can be any situation in life that can be just as daunting or jolting when something happens. Uh, you know, I'm a big proponent of meditation, and that's a minimum of 15 minutes a day. And my definition truly of meditation is when you are in a quiet place and when you can just simply breathe, you can relax, you can be focused, and you can let go. It's really a practice of letting go, letting go of the thoughts. Don't try to stop them. Let all the thoughts come up. It may be, and and and you can envision a garbage can in front of you and let all the thoughts come up, let feelings come up, let memories come up, um, belief systems, the oops, I should have done that differently back in the day, moments, you know, all of those moments, let them come up and just dump them in the trash can. To me, that is the beginning of a meditation. Because if you do that consistently on a daily basis, as well as ground, there is grounding uh technique that I also uh teach and I I provide for those who are part of the wellness uh membership with miracles. Um grounding and the dumping in a trash can will move you into a place if you're consistent where you will find quiet. You didn't force it, you didn't try to make it happen, you you weren't like drown it out. It just is quiet. And so the more you practice that, and the more you remember to breathe. Every time you think about a breath, take a deep breath from the belly, not from the lungs, but from the belly all the way up, and that will help you as you continue to practice it to be prepared for any single dramatic situation that may arise when you'd normally go into a panic because you're not clear, you'll know how to silence everything and what to do. Just take five minutes at that point to do it, and then you can go. Okay, I'm gonna step back. I'm gonna keep breathing. Stepping back really means taking. Yourself back to observe. You don't have to physically do it. Although if you physically do it, it's a great reminder. But if you don't, it's just wait a minute, I'm all like this, but relax. What's going on? And then you can go from there. So that is again something that you can do way ahead of time, or not just ahead of time, but all the time as a way to take care of yourself. Also, I cannot stress enough physical aspects too. When we're talking about caregiving, you don't know if your loved ones are on the floor, and you have to help pick them up. So you want to make sure that you are also physically as fit and strong as you possibly can be. 20 minutes of exercise, yoga, grabbing a couple of soup cans, and you know, doing crunches, whatever you've got, whatever you need to, however you need to do it, keep yourself as physically fit as possible. Because there's a lot that can also go into what's required when you are um overseeing or caregiving your loved ones uh as well. And you don't want to even forget about that. Like yeah, most people do.

SPEAKER_02: 31:34

And it's it's like, yeah, what if I had to lift my mom up? Like what if I had to help her turn around, or even my mother-in-law or father-in-law, you know, or even my husband, like anybody that you're taking care of, or right now, like to, you know, my son is a big boy. If I had to take care of him and I had to move, I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't be able to. Like, I'm being honest, I have not kept up with making sure that I am at my, I'm not gonna say physical peak because I I'm not an athlete, but really at the best that I could be had had I been in practice of doing so.

SPEAKER_00: 32:14

Yes, it's physically fit simply means you have the strength to aid and assist in a way that's meaningful. Now, if you weigh 110 pounds and your loved one weighs 190 pounds, you're not going to be able to lift them unless you have become a bodybuilder. But you'll be able to do some things like roll them over if need be, um, to uh help, you know, maybe just lift them underneath the lower back to put a pillow there or, you know, whatever. But still, you want to make sure that you have a level of strength and physical fitness so that when there is additional support and other people that are that are able to come, you've been able to do something that in that moment you can assist with. Okay, so that's something else that um is important that you'll want to work on for with for your self-care, but as much as you do for your self-care, it translates 100% to the self-care of those that you love. So that's that's also a very uh important thing to know and to remember. Um so, yes, when my mom had her stroke and I knew it was a stroke, they said later when they did, they finally did an MRI, and when she went in uh the first time she had had a stroke, but they didn't know it. They didn't catch it on the CAT scan, they caught it on the MRI because of my insistence, and said that she had had a stroke three weeks prior. Now we all know with strokes you want to catch them right away because they recover right away. In my mom's case, it was moderate, and that means that moderate strokes, you don't have as much of the symptoms, um severe symptoms from a stroke, but she did have weakness on her right side. She did have a little bit of speech therapy, um, some physical therapy, obviously. Thank God it wasn't serious enough. My mom at 96 has does not have dementia, and she still, even after the stroke, she does not have dementia. Just a little side note uh people who have more severe strokes develop what's called vascular dementia. There are many different types of dementia. So also, if you have a loved one who has dementia or you're concerned that they may be moving into a place of dementia, I highly suggest that you look up all the different types of dementia. There's frontal lobe, there's vascular, there's um um Alzheimer, which is different from dementia itself. There's Lewy bodies. Some of you may not have known, like, oh, what does all that mean? They're all present similarly, but there are some differences, and you'll want to know what the doctor is talking about, and you'll want to know, okay, then what do I need to do now for my self-care to then aid with this person? Because a person with dementia, which I have overseen the care for three people who have had um vascular dementia, frontal, frontal lobe dementia, and Lewy body dementia, you'll want to really make sure that you are at your peak with mental health. Make sure you have a therapist. You want to also make sure you have the right support group because a not, you know, different support groups are handled and do things in different ways. And so there may be a way that you really uh need to be nurtured and heard and supported and also gaining information and awareness, and so don't just say, Well, I'm at a support group, but you don't feel like it's making a difference for you. So you'll investigate different groups. Uh, these are some of the things that are very important, and of course, this is where you're really partnering with the doctor at all times. When it comes to dementia, and dementia is huge in the world right now, particularly for seniors and elders. When you recognize or there's been a diagnosis of dementia, one of the things that you'll want to make sure of is that when that person starts becoming delusional, they're seeing, like my mother-in-law, bless her heart, little boys, you know, running through her room, children laughing, uh, or like my godmother, who would see uh little tiny people in her planner pots outside in the backyard, or my mother-in-law who would bang on her windows screaming that they were coming to uh, you know, take her, you know, help, help, these may be signs of not only dementia, it's called sundowning. And if your loved one with dementia is not sundowning normally, and all of a sudden you look like the devil spawned to them, and they're agitated, and they're just not non-cooperative, where maybe they've been cooperative. The first thing you want to do is call the doctor and say, My loved one, I believe, has some kind of infection or virus. I want to check it out. What will exacerbate a person with dementia who normally may be, you know, calm, not agitated, but they become agitated and they become more and more agitated, and as time goes on, it's they're just like, oh my god, this is too much. I can't handle it. I don't even want to talk to them. That they don't they're they're jumping all over me and calling me all sorts of names and all of that. Don't you react again? Breathe, step back, contact the doctor and say, this is what's happening. And I believe it could be a virus or infection. I'd like to uh ask you to order a urine analysis or a blood test to determine so that they can get the proper medication. Nine out of ten times it is something like that. It can even be something as simple as a cold. But the doctor still needs to check in order to provide medication, and usually three to five days after taking medication, they're back to their normal self.

SPEAKER_02: 39:44

Well, you know, it's funny that you're talking about that specifically in the agitation. So I remember when my mother-in-law first, you know, we found out about her kidney disease and all of that. And you know, she's she's definitely been someone who is having a hard time accepting the fact that you know, this is this is kind of what's happening for her. And I had to talk to the doctor, and I said, Doctor, like I don't know how to support them having this conversation about you know, you feel like you're beginning to treat them like your children. So the challenge though is they're grown people who have been independent, uh, been having their own lives, been living doing their own thing, and we don't even know how they live. And I recently met not recently, but over the last few years, have moved in with them, and I said, I don't know what to do because clearly A, B, and C is not happening. And one of the things I wanted to share that she gave me that we can talk a little bit further about is that she said you have to work with them also. Not, it's not just the healthcare professionals that you're managing and working with and partnering. She literally said you have to have a conversation with them from a partnership perspective, not you're in charge. I'm a bulldozer. I've shared that many times. I go, I'm go in, let's get this done, let's move, let's move through this and let's make this happen. But that doesn't work necessarily. No, when you have children, you can say, I'm doing this, we're getting your coat on, we're going, you're doing, we're doing this. But when you have people, number one, that are not your own parents, like you know, they're my my mother-in-law, my father-in-law. One of the things she said to me, the best thing to do is ask them, how can I support you? What would be the best thing for me to do? And to get that they're not always going to listen. And even though they've told you how to support them and you do the thing they've you they've said that they want you to do, they might not exactly take those actions um or see them in the way and from where they're coming from. So I wanted to talk about that, and you know, how have you dealt with that part of dealing with the elders when you know they're trying to fight for their independence still, and clearly they need your help.

SPEAKER_00: 42:20

Yeah. Um, and that's so true. Um, it's true of my mom right now who wants to still run her life and give me every little detail of what I need to do to take care of all of her business while she's still rehabbing. Uh, and of course, then with the other three having uh uh had dementia, what I typically do is go along with whatever it is they want or what it is that they're saying. So what that means is um ever my mother-in-law or my uncle, uh, who he had vascular dementia, or and my godmother, whatever they would talk about and whatever they would say, because sometimes it would make sense and sometimes it really didn't, the answer is always what husbands should say to their wife. Yes, dear. And you say to them, okay, that's good. And you in doing that, they're satisfied, they feel like you they've been heard, you can ask them a few questions in reference to what they've said in a way that they are having a genuine conversation with you, even if they're saying, I want you to call my parents when they're 90 themselves and you know the parents are not around. It's like, okay, uh, I'm sure their phone number is in your phone book, right? Because I don't have it. Uh, yes, it's in my phone book and it's located. It's okay, I'll get it, and and I'll do that. Because the truth is, by the time you go back to them, they're not going to remember that they even said or asked you to do that. Now, when it comes to um, like in my mom's case, she does not have dementia. I literally, but she she's not able to handle her affairs anymore. Um I literally share everything with her. I let her know how much is in her bank account, I let her know what bills have been paid. I let her know um, you know, what still needs to happen. I let her know in some cases she has other things that she uh needs to have handled. I'll talk to her about those things. Uh, she has income property, although I've been managing her income property for a few years, but nonetheless, I keep her abreast of everything going on. And then she'll tell me, Well, I really didn't want that paid off, but this is what I'd like to have paid off first. Okay, and that's what I do. So because she is clear that she cannot do it herself, then it becomes easier for me to do things. Now, I will say this: here's a little caveat to that. Physically, mom thinks she can do certain things. Right now, she's in rehabilitation, she runs with her walker. She never used to use a walker, a wheelchair, a cane, nothing until the stroke happened. That was two and a half months ago. Now she's using her walker and she can run with the walker, and she's about 85% recovered from her stroke. Weaker, yes, but she does have pressure sore, she's healing from. And so because she's healing from it, and she's in a facility where they are tending to that wound every day. It was very, very deep and very big, and it takes a few weeks or months for it to heal. But she has a catheter because they want to keep that pressure sore where it's located as dry as possible. So she decides she has to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, okay, if you have to urinate, just urinate, you've got your catheter in. She's like, Yes, I know that, but I have to do number two. I'm like, okay. And so she starts to get out of her bed, and I'm like, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, nope. And she's like, Well, why not? I can take myself to the bathroom, I can walk. Yes, you can. But you have a catheter, you have a bag, and you have a catheter attached to you, and if you start walking, if you start walking with that bag hanging on the bed, you're gonna pull it out. It's gonna hurt, and it's gonna hurt having to go back in. You have to wait for a care nursing assistant to help you go to the bathroom. This is just ridiculous, I just don't understand. Um, and so, in those cases, I just really explained to her, mom, you are fully capable. You're always reassured, you're fully capable. You are able to make your own decisions very well. But this is why, in this instance, just for right now, it's not a good idea to do that. That's how I handle it. And then it's like, oh, oh, yeah, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02: 48:10

It's the buy-in, right? It's it's the acknowledging that yes, you are still independent, yes, you have all your faculties, we're not trying to take over, we're trying to support you and doing it the best that you can. You know, for for me, um, I'm learning to let go of how I think how I think things should be. I guess that's the biggest challenge has been for me. It's like, well, that doesn't make sense, but okay. You know, right, right. Learning that process overall, you know, even in the whole like relationship, it's like, okay, you see things very differently than I do. You see your caretaking very differently than I do. And then to take myself out of the picture, I think that's the most challenging part is like, you know, taking yourself out of your picture, your ego, how you think things need to look, and to get over there and see, okay, you know, I've been starting to think, what if it was my daughter? Well, she tries to tell me things all the time. I'm like, I'm doing that. I'm not right, right?

SPEAKER_00: 49:18

Okay, and that's what we have to remember.

SPEAKER_02: 49:21

Yeah, I can't imagine what would happen if I was not well and she's trying to tell me, you know, mommy got to manage this. I'm like, uh-uh, don't tell me what to do. That's my rubber 15-year-oldness. I don't think that's ever gonna go away. So I'm sure it's gonna be worse as I get older, but it will, it will.

SPEAKER_00: 49:35

I'm just gonna tell you it will.

SPEAKER_02: 49:38

What I'm hearing though, and what I'm also learning is that ability to take yourself out of the picture and say, okay, how best can we serve the situation? How best can my mom or my uncle or my grandmother or you know, my next door neighbor feel still like an independent human being, um, and also ensure that they're safe.

SPEAKER_00: 50:06

Absolutely, and that's your self-care in that situation. The self-care for you is that you don't have to win the argument to be right because you know best, you simply win by allowing them to be where they are. You understand that this is not about you taking care of your life. Well, it is, let me back up, it is to a certain extent, but in in most of this, when you're caretaking, you're taking care of their life, and because you're taking care of their life, yes, they may have a certain way that they've always done things, but time brings on a change, and if you can express to them, you know, you don't even have to reiterate their age, just that you know, time brings on a change. I remember when I was 25, I was able to say the alphabet backwards. Now I can barely remember the name of that famous actress. What was that again? Uh uh uh, you know, the one back in the in the 40s and 50s won all the awards. Uh oh, right, Betty Davis. That happens to us all. So since time brings on change, let's maybe visit this a little differently because you've changed, I've changed, and then let's look at how we can move forward with this. And if you do that, you don't make yourself upset in the same way. That's your self-care. You're not all up in arms, and she just says, Oh, listen to me, and I don't get hard to deal with, and oh my god, I got a headache. Yeah, we take ourselves and she would just cooperate. Do what I say, just do what I say, just so I can move on. The world would just do what I say, the world would be so much better, right? And so, and so, you know, so you really you're you're so so right, Nina. You have to take yourself, your ego self out of needing to be right, having it to do your way, um, um, you know, whatever the case may be. Again, dementia is a little bit different because with dementia there are so many different uh challenges. That's a topic we actually will talk about in another podcast. In fact, maybe we'll just focus on that specifically next time because I do have not only my wonderful uh relatives who've had dementia, but I've also uh worked with many people with um uh family members and loved ones with dementia. Uh so there's a lot to unpack there as well. But you all it's always about removing yourself, your personality, your beliefs, your thoughts, your everything about what needs to happen for that person. And even in the case of dementia, allow that person to believe that they are still in control of their life and that you are assisting them, beautifully, and then they're not going to be as agitated either.

SPEAKER_02: 53:50

Beautifully said. I think that's I think the the role of caregiver, um you really what each one of us has to do is kind of define that for ourselves and ensure that we're also being supported and and having you know the right support system in place. I'm very blessed because I have you, I've got many healers in my circle that I can go to and people who will tell me, can you stop? Can you stop being like, you know, a general or a command general, you know, can you just slow down, take a minute and breathe. Um, but you know, inside of that, I'm gonna do a shameless plug because the thing is when it comes to self-care, there's many different ways we can do that. And you talked about meditation. And I want to remind our listeners out there that every month we come together at Miracles Ultimate Wellness Resources and we do a um pre-global meditation for peace and wellness. So you can come together with others, bring that energy in, you know. And then beyond that, we have um a wellness seekers membership group where you could actually come and talk about some of these things that you're dealing with, where you can gather with a group of people, but they're not they may not be the dementia support person or the Alzheimer support person or you know, that kind of group. You should have those as well, but just those places where you're like, what else can I do? What what else where else can I get supports? And so we're building this community of just like-minded people, people who are on both sides. So we have memberships for people who are looking for other seekers who are looking for a like-minded community, some to talk about things that we talk about on this podcast. And we also have memberships for holistic practitioners who we call our healing heroes, that they're also, you know, yes, we're healers, but you know, we're also trying to build businesses, we're trying to, you know, reach out there, let people know the different types of modalities that there are. So I think that's also part of this conversation is where can you find the different supports? You said, you know, you talked about therapy, you know, finding a good therapist to help you manage through this, um, finding, you know, the like I said, the like-minded people, even someone who's gonna help you move your energy when it gets stagnant, someone who can help with some of the physical ailments that's gonna happen, not just for you, like if we're talking about our elders, maybe we can introduce some new things to them that will help them. So, you know, of course, like I said, shameless plug, but not so shameless, because that's what we're here for. We're here to help create miracles out there in the world. And I really invite all of you not only to continue to listen to our podcast, share this with your community and the people that you're supporting and that support you, but welcoming you into our community through the Miracles Ultimate Wellness Resources. And you can more things out on our site, which is www.miraclesresources.com or miraclesdirectory.com. You can get to us either way, or wherever you're seeing this, put in the comments, uh, you know, like, comment, share all of this information. It's so important, especially as we are beginning to really become a more aging popular, like a uh higher amount of people are aging, will be dealing with some of these things. And there was one more thing. I know I wanted to finish and you know, tie a beautiful bowl, but you know, I've had these great conversations with Dr. Ross Pelton, and uh he is a um holistic pharmacist pharmacist who has a lot of products and a lot of information on how we age and what we can do to help us manage, like we're gonna we're all gonna age. There are going to be things that we have, but his real um stand is that we do it the best that we can and slow down the process the best that we can in a very healthy, natural way. And one of the things he does talk about is meditation and eating well and taking care of your physical body. So I wanted to put that in there. And with that, I think this is a perfect time for us to end this conversation for today. I'm so glad that we're back. I you know conversations, right? We could go for now. So we shall be back. We will be more regular and you know, hopefully having additional people join us in our conversations. Until next time, bye for now. Thank you for joining us today on Healers Talk Healing. We hope you've been inspired and empowered on your holistic healing journey. If you've enjoyed today's episode and want to continue learning and growing with us, don't forget to subscribe, follow, rate, and review our podcast. Your feedback and support mean the world to us. Remember, healing is a lifelong journey, and you have the power to transform your life in profound ways. Stay curious, keep exploring, and never stop believing in your own capacity for healing.